I’ve been in a state of transition lately (well, pretty much always in my life–so change is not new), yet this transitional phase has thrown me for a proverbial loop–or maybe the more correct term would be a proverbial swing, as I have felt as if I were riding a pendulum on a clock…or one of those amusement park pirate ships–back and forth and to and fro. Fun times.

But, you know what I’m learning about myself? Go ahead. Guess. You’re smart.

Okay, I’ll tell ya…! I’m learning that I’m stronger than I’ve been in the past. I can do hard things. Blessings come when we are open to them…even when we feel like we don’t deserve them. God is good. And being down doesn’t last forever (thank heavens!!!).

I hit a pretty low point last night…very emotional and teary one minute, calm and subdued the next. After prayers and a good night’s sleep, I am renewed and refreshed this morning…ready to take on this ride called life!

Dearest Daughters,

You are amazing! I know that your are constantly bombarded with messages that you are not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, beautiful enough, strong enough, or cool enough. You SO are!!!!!!!!! If I could let your mirror open to show what you are, you would see the fabulous, capable, independent, strong, amazing women that you are!

When you were each born, I relished in the joy of having more girls in my life. As you have grown, I see visions of the strength of character you are building and the faith you lay in store for future days. You will need these things to walk through this journey we call life. Hold them sacred.

I know you compare yourselves to each other. Please DO NOT do this. You are each as different as the moon and the sun. But, just as the moon and the sun both bring light, they each have different purposes and work. So do you, my daughters. Develop the strengths and talents YOU have, and don’t worry about what you cannot do. You are who you are supposed to be, and YOU ARE ENOUGH. So, smile! Be happy! Read! Dance! Sing! Paint! Bake! Run! Turn cartwheels! Skip! Hug! Laugh! Love! Learn! You will never be at this place in your life again–so enjoy it!

You truly are amazing, and I count this time with you as a privilege and a blessing. I’ve learned more from you than you could ever learn from me. Thank you for being patient and loving me, with all my imperfections. You ladies are the best!

I love you…always,

Your Mom <3

I have reflected several times on her statement, and in that tone, I’d like to send a message to my mother (and all mothers) in a spirit of love and acceptance.

Dear Mom,

I think you probably have moments of reflection and waves of sadness for all the things you didn’t do for me and your other children, but I want you to know that it’s okay. What you did (and didn’t do) for us has shaped our lives and decisions and has made us the amazing children we are today. You are responsible for blessing our lives.

You are enough. Though you are not perfect (no one is), we love you. In spite of your inadequacies, you did your best, and we are grateful for you.

Thank you for spending countless hours counseling, teaching, cooking, sewing, giving, school shopping, trick-or-treating, picnicking, vacationing (& packing before vacationing), planning family outings, listening, reading poetry and stories to us, encouraging learning, driving us places, and just being around us. Sometimes we were comforted just knowing you were there.

Thank you also for leaving us to go on dates with Dad, kissing him in front of us, and supporting each other in times of stress or challenge or trial. Making your marriage a priority has taught us volumes.

I appreciate you! Though I know you wish you had done more, you did well. I am grateful for all the sacrifices and for putting off your own personal goals to raise us. I am also grateful that you are taking time again to pursue what you’ve taught us to make a priority for these many years. You are a great woman!

Thank you for your faith, for your commitment to raise a better generation than yours, for teaching me tolerance, patience, and love for my neighbor and enemy. Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today. I am working to learn to love who I am, and as I grow in love for myself, my love for you grows as well.

Happy Mother’s Day! Your beauty, faith, perseverance, and example live on through this generation and many more to come!

Love,

Your Daughter

Love is the bottom line. When we love God, ourselves, our spouses, our children, our friends, our neighbors, our peers, and our world, we are happy. That’s not to say we don’t experience pain, hurt, suffering, hunger, disappointment, sickness, fatigue, and other such infirmities…everyone will have those from time to time. But, we will receive those feelings, along with joy, happiness, laughter, contentment, success, energy, excitement, peace, and hope, with LOVE for all those around us. Then, we can sing along with The Beatles, “Love is all you need.”

I posted that question on Facebook, and some of the answers were to run, pray, chat with good friends & sisters, take some time for retail therapy, work out, garden, feel sunshine, and do something nice for someone else.

Last night, I made some cookies. I didn’t even necessarily want to eat them, but I found comfort in combining softened butter, brown & white sugars, vanilla, eggs, flour, salt, baking soda, & chocolate chips to create a dough that would flatten out when under heat & bake into a soft cookie of yummy, chocolaty goodness. The smell alone made me feel better…and feeling the peace of a process which I have learned to trust. As I shared them with my family and neighbors, I again felt lightened in the current load of labor which I carry.

When we face moments of uncertainty, trial, or sadness, taking a breath, getting or giving a hug, shedding a few tears, and doing whatever works for us to refocus our efforts can be helpful and healing. (And having good friends and family along the way to keep us company is an incomprehensible gift on this journey we call life.)

So, whatever we may be facing at this moment, I promise that we can find peace and that we will be able to cope with whatever comes our way. We are valuable. We are priceless. We are amazing. And we have the tools and abilities to cope with our challenges and rejoice in our blessings!

Sending love & hugs & happy Tuesday wishes!!!!!!

Identity Crisis Cupcakes

Cake:

1 cup butter, soft

2 cups white sugar

4 eggs

1 cup milk

generous splash vanilla

3 cups self-rising flour

Preheat oven to 300°, and line cupcake pans with paper liners.  Cream butter and sugar; add eggs, milk, and vanilla and blend.  Add flour one cup at a time (please don’t overstir!).  Fill cupcake liners about half-full (these rise quite a bit, so be careful not to fill the liners too much).  Bake for approx. 30 minutes or until golden on top.  Remove from cupcake pan to let cool before frosting.  Makes about 30 cupcakes.

Frosting:

2 packages neufchatel cheese or cream cheese, soft

2 sticks butter, soft

generous splash vanilla

powdered sugar to taste (I think I used about 2 cups, but it might have been more.  I never measure powdered sugar, like, ever.)

Blend cream cheese and butter together, then add powdered sugar (about a cup at a time, unless you like powdered sugar all over your countertops…and floor…and ceiling…and self) and vanilla.  Mix to your heart’s content.  Spoon into a zip-lock bag and squish the frosting down toward one corner.  Seal the top of the bag and snip a little triangle off the corner (seriously–start small; you can always cut more) to make a pastry bag.  Alternatively, use an actual pastry bag.  Or don’t and just use a spoon/knife/spreader.  Anyway, pipe or spread a generous amount of frosting onto each cupcake, and smooth with a butter knife or spreader.  Don’t refrigerate before adding the strawberries; if the frosting is cold, the berries don’t smoosh into the frosting and are more likely to fall off.

Topping:

strawberries

semi-sweet chocolate chips

Wash, hull, and halve the strawberries.  Melt the chocolate in a double-boiler or in the microwave.  Making sure the strawberries are very dry (I paper-toweled the halves before I dipped them…at least until it was 10pm and I was tired and lazy), dip them cut side-down into the chocolate.  Place the strawberries on wax paper (or, if you don’t have wax paper, on a plate covered in plastic wrap), chocolate-side down.  You can also drizzle chocolate over the uncut sides of the berries, as shown in the picture, by using a fork and gently flinging (for lack of a better word) little lines of chocolate over the strawberries.  Note:  this does make a mess.  But it’s pretty worth it.  You could probably also use the plastic- or pastry bag techniques from above, but I didn’t try this and don’t know if the chocolate would harden before you got much drizzling done.  I don’t really know what I’m doing.  I’m a grad student, not a chocolatier–and my experience has taught me I should probably stick to my day job. Anyway, refrigerate the berries until the chocolate hardens, then place one half on each cupcake.

Refrigerate the cupcakes until the frosting sets.  Keeping them cool in general is a good idea; the frosting tends to get a little melty, as does the chocolate.  Either way, they’re delicious.

Here’s a picture of the finished product:

Then, I ran into one of the women with whom I quilt. She asked if I had finished it & if it was on my bed. I told her I actually didn’t know where it was.

I came home & looked for it. Eventually, I made it to the corner of the room where I had stashed it. And I pulled it into my arms. Then, I made a decision. I put it on my bed. Sure, it didn’t fit, but I didn’t care. It looked fine over the beige duvet. And it made me smile to see it on my bed.

I appreciated her encouragement, and for those of you who have asked for pics, they are below, thanks. I’m grateful to my mother for helping me start it & my friends for helping me finish it–& for the one who inspired me to find it again. I couldn’t have done it without you. Yes, I’m talking to you. Thank you!

I love my quilt! I actually even pulled it off my bed last week & rode with it on my lap as we drove from place to place. It is a comfort to me! And…without further ado…here it is!

Anyway, as I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me (do you do that?) or at least how to get back on a happier track, I saw that a dear friend (thanks, Cobi) posted a TED talk on her FB wall by Brene Brown. So, I watched it. And, guess what? I felt the truth of what the speaker was saying about allowing yourself to be open to vulnerability in order to find deep connection. Actually, what I had been feeling within was a desire to withdraw, but what I really wanted was to feel connected.

I thought about times in my life when I had actually put myself out there, taken a chance, and been completely open to whatever might come my way. I thought about times I got hurt and times that I experienced exquisite joy (& I decided that both were worth the chance). I thought about times I had been so concerned, worried, and/or guarded that I wasn’t willing to openly be myself. I think I decided in that moment that I was okay with being vulnerable if it truly provides me with deep connection.

Now, on to practicing! (Isn’t that the fun part?) And, just as a side note, I have been working on standing taller (see my last blogpost), and I think my posture is actually improving! Hooray for progress!

If you are interested in the TED talk, here is the link:
Brene Brown – The power of vulnerability

(just please be aware there is a little language in it…just FYI)

And, speaking of feeling vulnerable, here is a pic of me in my new glasses (which I only use to long-distance drive–but it is the first time I’ve ever had to get glasses…).

So, how do you stand taller? You can roll back your shoulders, lift your head, and walk along like you are amazing (and, believe me, you really are amazing)…! Go ahead and try it! See if you don’t feel happier and more confident standing a little taller!

But does standing taller end there? I think not. We stand taller any time we stand up for what we know to be true, any time we share our knowledge with others, any time we reach beyond ourselves into paths of new experience or seek to uplift others with our own light.

I attended a conference once where a study was cited that criminals and predators actually target individuals who walk with their shoulders slumped or their heads down, but they left alone those who walked with direction, heads up, tall.

So, will you try it? Standing taller emotionally (knowing you are of worth) and physically (showing you are of worth) can bring an inner peace that is soooooooo worth the effort! Are you with me?

P.S.–I used to feel self-conscious walking tall–ever since junior high school–when all my girlfriends would talk about other girls who “stuck their chests out” in search of attention. By then, I was also one of the tallest girls in my grade…probably one of the tallest people, period. I had trouble standing tall…then, my dear voice teacher taught me about posture for effective singing (& life). Later, though, nursing & carrying babies brought back the slump…& being so tired didn’t help, either! But, I am slowly but surely working on my posture again!!!! Will you join me?

Then, I met my husband. He goes up to anyone to say “hello,” especially if he even thinks he might know them. He never meets a stranger…& because I like to spend time with him, I’ve learned to approach people to greet them. But I am still surprised when people notice me….

So, the other day, while driving to and fro, I had this thought hit me like lightening (thankfully, it wasn’t real lightening) as I was pondering a recent experience where someone recognized me. I thought, “Why wouldn’t I be noticed? I’m six feet tall and beautiful!” That moment was a bizarre moment for me…but then, isn’t that what life’s about?

So, how do you live? Are you visible, out in the open, sharing your life & voice? I’m working on that…& in some settings, I am better at it than in others. Still, the world needs our voices, and people need us. You never know when you may be that familiar voice or face to brighten someone’s loneliness or bring joy to them simply because you are who you are.